Memories

I've been remembering a lot lately. The holidays do that to you I think. I've decided that the first year after you lose someone is the hardest. I mean, they're all hard, but especially that first year. I'm constantly thinking, "last year at this time...". I've been doing that a lot this year about my mom. It's still hard to believe she's gone. Lately though, the memories of last year are getting harder. This is when she started doing worse. What a blessing and miracle that she did so well for so long. When she started getting more sick, it got bad really fast. Again, I'm so grateful that the hard part was over so quickly so that she didn't have to suffer. But at the same time, it's a bit mind boggling how fast it happened. So now the memories I conjure up from a year ago are getting harder. I don't really want to remember them, but I think they're forever etched in my mind.

Now I think about this holiday season and I have to go through it without Mom. Crappy. What are the holidays without the one's you love, and two of the ones I love aren't here? Our family has some great traditions on Christmas Eve. I know Mom and Linz will be there. But I want to see and talk to them, not just feel them.

I've been thinking about Linz lately and how much it stinks that my kids don't get to play with her. She was always so much fun. Kate's hair reminds me of Linz's. Straight and beautiful golden. We always called Linz's hair her "one true beauty" (Little Women). I hope Kate's stays this way. Kate's also started saying 'oo-da-la-lee' all the time. I have no idea how she got it, but Linz used to say it all the time. I like to think that Linz whispered it in her ear.

So I'm moving forward, I really am, this holiday season. Ready and excited to create new memories with my family, but missing the family that's not here. I'm again reminded of the phrase President Monson quotes frequently:

"Memories are June roses in the December of our lives."

I'm especially grateful for those June roses this year.

Happy Holidays Mom and Linz!