Believe

My heart has been aching lately. I'm not sure why. You'd think its been enough years since Linz and Mom have been gone that it wouldn't hurt so much. There are definitely times where the hurt is less. I'll think "yes, this is finally getting better." But then an unexpected knife goes through my heart and the wound opens wide all over again.

I wish I'd realized how good I had it B.E. (Before Everything). I had no idea. I thought I understood loss and heartache. I had no idea. In my heart of hearts I know that I've learned much I would have never learned otherwise. I'm grateful for this, really I am. But some days I just want to shake my fist at the heavens. Why does God think I can handle this? Why did we have to lose both of them? Why can't it just be like it was before? I would give just about anything to walk into my parents' house and see my mom standing behind the counter, excited to see me. I would love to see my kids play with Linz. These are not big things I want. They're simple really.

So I'm here, A.E. (After Everything) trying to figure things out. It seems that just when I feel I'm making progress I take a step backwords. So I'm going to rally. I must pick myself up, gather my faith, and take a step forward. This is me rallying:

I'm grateful. I'm grateful for compassion. I'm grateful that I know how to cry with someone else in their heartaches and understand a little of what they feel. I'm grateful for perspective, an eternal perspective really. I'm grateful to be a part of a church that teaches that eternal perspective. I'm grateful for family. So grateful for family. Jake and my kids keep me going every day. I'm grateful for how close my siblings and I have gotten through all of this. I'm grateful to now be related to 60 people who I wouldn't even know if Jake and I hadn't lost parents. Most of all I'm grateful for my Savior, who loves me and cries with me. Even though I don't understand, I can still believe. So, to end this uplifting post (sorry, sometimes I have to let it out) here's a scripture that's been helping me a lot lately. Its in the Book of Mormon.
Mosiah 4:9
"Believe in God. Believe that he is and that he created all things both in heaven and in earth. Believe that he has all wisdom and all power, both in heaven and in earth. Believe that man doth not comprehend all the things which the Lord can comprehend."