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| Linz and Kate |
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| Mom and Sage |
Saturday, May 10, 2008 is when Linz left us. This year May 10 is a Saturday again. Maybe that's why its harder this year? I'll never forget that day. The phone call. The tears. The shock. The tears. I remember going to church the next day in my parent's ward. I remember crying while attempting to sing "Families Can Be Together Forever". I remember coming home on Monday to do laundry and then rushing back to be with my family. With my mom. I remember how Mother's Day was the next day. We were supposed to talk to Linz. I remember figuring out the funeral. What songs to sing. Who to speak. I remember Mom's birthday on May 14. A few days after we lost Linz. Poor Mom, had to celebrate Mother's Day and her birthday right after losing her daughter. I don't know how she did it. I remember trying to pick a present out for her with my sisters. I think we got her a ring with Linz's birth stone. And there are lots of other things I remember about that time that, six years later, are still to tender to share.
At least in those moments we had my mom. Now we go through these days without her. And its hard. Mother's Day is no fun. I've bucked up the last few years and put a smile on my face for my kids. This year I volunteered to work. Then we get through Mother's Day and have her birthday on the 14th. So I don't love this time of year. At all.
I'm not trying to be negative. I know I'll see them again. That's the only thing that keeps me going. I know they're still part of my life, and part of my kids' lives. I've had many experiences that teach me that. But its still not fair. And I still miss them. I hate that I never got to go to Linz's wedding. I hate that my kids don't get to play with her. I hate that my kids don't remember my mom. That's horrible! She was the best grandma. I hate, hate, hate not having any new pictures. I don't want to see the same old pictures anymore. I want to see new pictures. New memories. My heart hurts, and this year I feel like letting it hurt.
So, sorry this post isn't all fun and exciting. I promise I'm not going to be all weepy for the rest of my life. But sometimes things are hard. Sometimes I don't want to put a smile on my face. And that's what I feel like saying right now, even though it probably makes Mom and Linz mad…
3 comments:
I have no words to help you, just please know that you are loved. I agree that time doesn't heal our wounds. And some moments are just too hard. You have a right to grieve over and over and to feel as you do. I love you and your family. My heart aches for you and I wish I could help in some way. Thank you for putting into words what so many of us feel. Grateful for for you!
I appreciate your honesty.
We just endured the 20 year anniversary of my father-in-laws passing. It was hard on my sweet husband. This marks the year that his Dad has been gone longer than the time they had here in this life together. It hurts that my kids and I won't know him in this life, and that he's not here to help my husband when he has questions about life, being a Dad and all the every day stuff. I hear you about the pictures, I was thinking the exact same thing, except I have no pictures with him. Sorry for making this about us, I just wanted to let you know that if you still fill this way 14 years from now...don't be surprised. Hugs and kisses to you and your family! You guys have always amazed!
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