Happy Birthday Mom!

I have a love/hate relationship with this picture

Happy Birthday to Mom today!  She would be 59.  Craziness.  I told my kids to try to do something extra nice for someone today, in honor of Grandma Lu.  April and I are going to the Cheesecake Factory for the first annual Mom's Birthday Lunch.  Hopefully as the years pass we'll get more siblings there.  I'll eat the lunch for Mom, and the cheesecake for Linz:).  We all know food makes everything better, right?

In other news, Jake came through for me for Mother's Day (which is impressive since its not my favorite day, thus he has his work cut out for him).  Jake's cousin, Jordan Wright,  is an amazing artist.  Last year he painted this picture of Peach City in Brigham City.  I've been wanting it ever since for a couple of reasons.  My mom grew up in Brigham City, and not only that, but she actually worked at Peach City.  So now I can put this painting up that everyone can enjoy because its awesome, but for me it has extra meaning.

So, in honor of my mom, everyone do something extra nice for someone today.  Some act of service.  Because that's what she would be doing if she was here.

PS - If any of my siblings, or anyone else, want prints or copies of this painting it can be arranged.  Just let me know.

Time

Linz and Kate

Mom and Sage

"Time heals all wounds" I believe is how the saying goes.  Well, that's a bunch of crap if you ask me.  I will say that the daily heartache and sadness gets better, but I don't see it ever going away.  Especially in May.  May is not a fun month.  Every year I brace myself.  This year its harder than normal for some reason.

Saturday, May 10, 2008 is when Linz left us.  This year May 10 is a Saturday again.  Maybe that's why its harder this year?  I'll never forget that day.  The phone call.  The tears.  The shock.  The tears.  I remember going to church the next day in my parent's ward.  I remember crying while attempting to sing "Families Can Be Together Forever".  I remember coming home on Monday to do laundry and then rushing back to be with my family.  With my mom.  I remember how Mother's Day was the next day.  We were supposed to talk to Linz.  I remember figuring out the funeral.  What songs to sing.  Who to speak.  I remember Mom's birthday on May 14.  A few days after we lost Linz.  Poor Mom, had to celebrate Mother's Day and her birthday right after losing her daughter.  I don't know how she did it.  I remember trying to pick a present out for her with my sisters.  I think we got her a ring with Linz's birth stone.  And there are lots of other things I remember about that time that, six years later, are still to tender to share.

At least in those moments we had my mom.  Now we go through these days without her.  And its hard.  Mother's Day is no fun.  I've bucked up the last few years and put a smile on my face for my kids.  This year I volunteered to work.  Then we get through Mother's Day and have her birthday on the 14th.  So I don't love this time of year.  At all.

I'm not trying to be negative.  I know I'll see them again.  That's the only thing that keeps me going.  I know they're still part of my life, and part of my kids' lives.  I've had many experiences that teach me that.  But its still not fair.  And I still miss them.  I hate that I never got to go to Linz's wedding.  I hate that my kids don't get to play with her.  I hate that my kids don't remember my mom.  That's horrible!  She was the best grandma.  I hate, hate, hate not having any new pictures.  I don't want to see the same old pictures anymore.  I want to see new pictures.  New memories.  My heart hurts, and this year I feel like letting it hurt.

So, sorry this post isn't all fun and exciting.  I promise I'm not going to be all weepy for the rest of my life.  But sometimes things are hard.  Sometimes I don't want to put a smile on my face.  And that's what I feel like saying right now, even though it probably makes Mom and Linz mad…