My Mom Would Be So Proud

Those of you who know me well know that I am not domestic. At all. Ok, so I've learned to throw together a meal or two, but Martha Stewart I will never be. I've never enjoyed 'crafting', probably never will. And that's never really bothered me. I'm ok with not being a crafter. When I go to Super Saturday Craft Days I socialize with friends and eat some good food. I never come home with a craft. Enough said.

My mom was a super homemaker. She did everything well. Crafting, cooking, sewing...most especially sewing. She tried to get me to learn, but I had a deep aversion to the sewing machine growing up. I think it's genetic because Mom said when I was little anytime she took me to a fabric store I screamed the second we walked in. Lately my aversion to sewing has diminished and I've wanted to learn. Probably has something to do with the beautiful quilts I see my mom and sister make. A few months ago I picked up a sewing machine for free. I took it to my mom and she showed me how to thread it. Holy cow. I had no idea it was that complicated. I brought the machine home and its been sitting unused on the counter.

Well today, miracle of miracles, I got the sewing machine out. I figured I could teach myself to thread it. It couldn't be as hard as I remembered, right? Two hours later I finally figured it out. Thank goodness for the internet. So I'm on my way. Baby steps right? I'm not focusing on the fact that I stupidly wasted years of opportunity to have my mom teach me. Instead I'm moving forward in hopes that some day I might make something my mom would be proud of. Martha Stewart here I come!

To those of you who can sew: Now what do I do? :)

I am not Stressed!!!

"I am not stressed!" My mom said this once when she was obviously very stressed, and we still laugh about it. This is what I feel like shouting lately. I've been working more, life is just busy, and stuff. Thus, my brain has decided to quit working. I used to pride myself on functioning well with stress, not so much now. I left my keys at the bank and forgot Zack at school all in one day. I cannot remember anything.

Jake asked me if I'd heard of something before.

"I don't know," I said.

"How can you not know?"

"Well, right now it doesn't sound familiar, but that probably just means I've forgotten it."

So if this post makes no sense and you see me looking frazzled, just remember, 'I am not stressed!'

Grieving

I'm still here, in case you were wondering. I keep thinking about writing, but then I don't know what to say. Every day is a roller coaster of emotions. Rather than look at life by the day, I go by the minute. I'm grateful for every good minute but have realized that a good minute can quickly be followed by a bad minute. Countless times during the day I think of something I need to tell my mom, and then remember that I can't. Then I feel the pain and sadness. I try to not let it consume me because I don't want to be a sad, bitter person. So I keep going and put a smile on my face for my family. And then at night I let some of the sadness out.

I've been thinking about grieving and friends/family. Before going through everything with my sister and mom I had no idea how to support someone who was grieving. I didn't know what to say or do, so more often than not I didn't say or do anything. Now I know better. In fact, I think my family could offer grief support classes. So here are some of the things I've learned that help. A lot of these things I learned from people who did them for me. Some people are natural at grief support. I've never been one of those people. So if you're like me and need some help here are some pointers:

1. Don't just ask, do. If you ask me if there's anything you can do I'll say no, because I don't know myself and I don't want to be a burden. But if you just tell me you're going to do something I won't turn you down.

2. Don't avoid the subject. Acknowledge what happened, say your sorry, anything. If you're willing to talk to me about it then I know I can talk to you when I need to.

3. Send something. It doesn't need to be a gift or flowers. Just a card or even an email. Something to let me know you care.

4. If possible attend the viewing and/or funeral. I've learned even more that funerals are for the people grieving, not the deceased. It means a lot when friends and family go out of their way to express their sympathy.

5. Stop by. Come visit any time. Bring by some good comfort food, a box of kleenex, or don't bring anything at all. Just a listening ear is nice.

6. Listen. So important. If you ask me how everything is, don't get uncomfortable and change the subject when I start to talk. Just listen.

I could go on, but that should get you started. Thanks to everyone for your friendship and support. I know grief support isn't easy, but its definitely appreciated. To finish up, this has become one of my favorite quotes. I hope you enjoy it as much as I have.

"It isn't as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don't worry. It will all work out. Put your trust in God and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers." - President Gordon B. Hinckley

Legacy

My mom passed away yesterday afternoon. She was 54 years old, and in that relatively short time she managed to leave behind an amazing legacy. She left behind a legacy of unconditional love, service, and any good quality you can think of. I look at my life and realize that I'd better start working a lot harder because I want to leave a legacy like her's.

I'm happy my mom isn't suffering anymore. The last few days were hard to watch. But I miss her. Almost every memory I have includes my mom in some way. Everything I look at reminds me of her. I know I'll keep doing my best, but it will be a lot harder without my best friend and mentor.

I'm happy to think of my mom and Linz together again. I'm sure mom was so happy to see her. I know that even though I won't see my mom again for a long time she'll still be a big part of my life. I'll still try to do what I know would make her happy. And I know that she'll do everything she can to help me from the other side. I look forward to seeing her and Linz again.

Snow!

This weekend has been filled with fun snow events. Up until last week we had no snow. Now we've got a couple feet and it's still coming down. We probably got about 18 inches just this weekend. Craziness! But fun too. I love good snowstorms. We didn't make it to church because they never plow our circle and I got stuck. I guess there were only like 10 families who managed to dig out and make it to church. Snow day!

On Friday Jake and I went skiing at Sundance. We decided the winters are so long in Midway that we need to start having more fun in the snow, so we got season passes. Good thing because it's going to take me all season to figure out how to ski. Friday was pretty sad on my part. Poor Jake is probably wondering why he married someone who is so untalented in snow sports. Oh well, at least I try:)

On Saturday we took the kids to watch a ski race at Soldier Hollow. It was the olympic qualifier for the event (not sure what the event was called). Super cool though. There were people competing from all over the world. It was fun to hear all the different languages. Those guys are crazy good on skis. Fun.

Poor Jake started shoveling snow today at 7:45 and didn't finish until 10:00. Poor guy. I don't feel too bad for him though. He refuses to buy a snow blower because he just wants to get a 4-wheeler one day. Although even the snow blowers had a hard time because the snow is so heavey. I can only lift like half a shovel at a time. We had to play in the snow because how can you pass up snow like this. The piles are so high from our driveway that the kids have their own sledding hill in our front yard. Very fun. Jake is currently using a 4-wheeler to plow the street in front of our driveway. The city came and did two passes in the circle and then left, leaving a huge pile of snow still in front of our driveway. Got to love what our taxes pay for. So yes, winters are long in Midway, but at least we have fun.

One Last Push

Every mountain climb has its challenges, but the hardest part is usually the push to the summit. It's usually the steepest, but its also hard because you're already tired from the rest of the climb.

My family and I have been climbing one of our biggest mountains yet, and I believe we're now starting our push to the summit. The cancer is taking over in my mom. The pain is becoming greater and we scramble to find the right drugs to keep her out of pain.

As we begin this last push we all gather together, for we won't make it alone. We climb, one foot in front of the other. When we become too weary, "the handcart pushes us", as angels help us to the top. For my mom this is her last summit, at least in this life. The rest of us will have more mountains to climb, but for now, this is our Everest. I know we will make it because that is what our mom taught us to do. When we reach the summit with the beautiful view below will it have been worth it? I say yes. Yes if we can climb with courage and grace, able to say that we came closer to God in the process.

"Shall we not go on in so great a cause? Go forward and not backward. Courage, and on, on to the victory!" D&C 128:22

The Attack

I don't know about the rest of you, but I could definitely use some more humor in my life. For this reason, I'll share my unfortunate incident with you.

Our back yard neighbors have a horse and chickens. They've had some bad health, so we've been feeding their animals for them. Most of you know that I am not an animal person. I feed the animals with the smallest amount of interaction possible.

Well, the chickens have been out of food for a couple of days. Don't worry all you animal lovers, they'll have more food tonight. This morning when I got to the chicken coop I noticed that they all seemed bunched up around the door more than usual. Oh well, I thought, they're just chickens. What can they do? Big mistake. Obviously I don't have a lot of chicken experience. So I opened the door to get the water buckets to fill them up. When I reached in the big black, scary looking rooster attacked me. He flew up at me and pecked at me. Luckily I was wearing my big puffy coat and leather work gloves, so the damage was minimal. I screamed of course, and having not dealt with chickens before my first instinct was to kick it and teach it that I cannot be pecked at. That works for dogs so why would chickens be any different (not that I've ever kicked a dog:). Well, just an FYI, don't kick chickens. Or maybe you can kick chickens, but definitely not roosters. It started attacking me. More flapping wings, more pecking. I kicked back a couple of times and then I realized that I was at a definite disadvantage and started retreating. The rooster chased me all the way to the end of the barn before it decided I was no longer a threat and left. I finally calmed down and stopped screaming just in time to look over and see the rest of the chickens escaping the coop. Blasted chickens. Do you think they had this planned? The great chicken escape. Needless to say, I wasn't about to get them back in the coop. So they will enjoy a day of freedom until Jake gets to them (supposedly they'll re-enter the coop at night).

Moral of the story: keep chickens well fed and if one attacks you DO NOT fight back. Play dead.